STUNNED

I've almost abandoned this blog. But as I've said over and over, I may have abandoned writing but I never miss blog hopping. I visit, read, enjoy, silently react, and even re-read the entries of my favorite bloggers, the list of which has been growing steadily since.

As we all know, some bloggers prefer to "come out" to their readers by revealing themselves, showing their pics, and make known personal details that would expose the real "them". Others, just like me, prefer to hide their true identity. So reading through entries of these anonymous bloggers, from the snippets of information they provide, and the silhouettes of pictures they expose, I/we sometimes can't help but create an image of how they would look like if you meet them in person.

Recently, the image I set for one of my favorite anonymous bloggers was shattered, when I finally met him in person......I was dazed, amazed, in awe, and priveledged to have know this "famous" blogger in person.......because only last night was it revealed that I have known this guy all along for more than 30 years.

I have been reading his entries way, way back, probably even when he was just starting, I was already there. In fact, I mentioned him in one of my earlier entries two years ago on what inspired me to start blogging. Needless to say, his writing style is great and entertaining. He was gutsy in exposing himself (Mr. Ripley episode), brave in revealing his fears, analytical in voicing out the conflicts in his personal and religious beliefs (regarding his views on casual sex), very detailed in sharing his sexcapades and sometimes giddy at his conquests (ang dami ha!). Rightfully so, he was proud of his personal and career achievements (new house, new car, new office, san ka pa?), unselfish and caring to his family, friends and to his "katiwalas" (including the Home of the Abandoned Elderly), radical in some of his ideas, and sometimes baduy in his choices (Carpenter's - I Need to be in Love?!?! Tama ba yun?!).

Those was some of the things I knew of him through his blog. So when it was revealed to me last night that person I've known personally for more than 30 years was the same blogger, I was totally, totally caught off-guard for a few seconds. I could not connect the person in front of me to the blogger I was reading. It just doesn't seem to fit. He is CC?!?!?! WTF?!?! It can't be?!?!

But after the initial shock, I was slowly brought back to the reality that there are always new things we find out from people we know all our lives. Of course our friendship way back when we were kids was totally different from what we have now, Also, it did not help that we just recently got together again, (thanks to our HS Homecoming reunion) after years of no communication, that's why we still had a lot of catching up to do. But thanks to this reveal, I was able to fill in the gaps of our lost years and also be able to connect the person I knew to the blogger I followed. He was the same good old reliable friend I knew from way back then.

Thanks friend for allowing me to enter your "closet"!

I AM BACK.......again?

It's been quite awhile since I posted an entry....... and it's not because I've totally abandoned the blog world....in fact, I am still very much around, albeit a silent lurker.....blog hopping, keeping myself updated with what's going on with the my favorite and not so favorite bloggers., that sort of stuff. I just couldn't think of a "well worth it" entry for my comeback. Hahahaha.......

But I promise to write something soon...something insightful, something interesting, something worth reading......

Abangan...... :-)

IGOR

I kept denying it at first....but I fell, really fell deeply in love. Meet the new love of my life....Igor.....

Out of Town

I was recently out of town for a much needed break. Me, my lover, and another gay couple plus another friend who went solo went to Taipei, Taiwan just last week. This is the same bunch of guys I go out of town with because we really enjoy travelling together. Come to think of it, thanks to Cebu Pacific Promos, we have been out to most of its routine destinations from Shanghai to Siquijor, from Hong Kong to Bohol, Kuala Lumpur to Palawan to name a few. It's really a great experience, and of course lots of fun, to go out of town with a bunch of guys who really get along well in the first place. Aside from covering each other's backs, we all help out in making decision, its also a give and take when considering others preferred interest whether in shopping or nature tripping , an adventure or a cultural experience. Plus we all know when not to push ourselves of our limits, so we always end up having a good time.

I normally arrange for most of the details of the trip on line, from the date, to the hotel, even arranging airport transfers and usually booking a half day city tour just so we can get an immediate feel of the place. I know some experienced travelers hate to go on these arranged tours since part of the deal is ending up in some tourist traps, but for us, the standard city tour gives us a feel of the city and more importantly it gives us a bearing of the locations we would venture on in the next few days.

As soon as we fly in, exchange our money to the local currency, get picked up from the airport, dropped off at the doorstep of the hotel, and checked-in to our rooms, its just a few minutes of freshening up and off we go immediately outside. We are not big shopper, we are adventurous eaters so usually we zone into places where food is sold. Aside from the sights, the sounds, and the climate of the place, the part I personally enjoy most in exploring a new city, especially in a different country is the food.....especially the street food!

From each city we've discovered, new sights and sounds we've experienced, new food we've tasted, new photographs we've taken, new souvenirs we've brought home, I must say that an added bonus to all of these, is bonding the old friendship we guys have through the memories we keep on these travels we ventured.

Self-Censorship

It's been almost a month now since my last blog entry and I still continue to wrack my brains on what to write. I've tried several times to come up with something that is worthy but I always end up editing myself. . . and I hate it! I ended up censoring my entries on the guise that I might "out" myself to people I know. You see, this is a secret blog that I have not revealed to anyone..... not to my lover, not even to my closest friends. No one knows that I have a blog except me......and the people who stumbled in my blog.....and that's you. In other words, I am afraid to reveal myself to you guys out there who read this....but WHY?!?!

I know, I know, this is stupid..... I promise I will stop censoring myself and just write what I feel like writing......soon! :-)

November 1

For some Filipinos, this weekend will be about treats and parties, chocolates and costumes, being spooky and having fun. But for most Pinoys, like our family, it will be about candles and cemeteries, flowers and tents, reunions and prayers. Because this weekend, like what we have been doing for the past 10 years or so, my family will be at Loyola Memorial Park to visit the grave of my younger brother.

My brother was at the prime of his youth, about to graduate college, taking up Engineering in the only school he has ever attended all his life. He was nerdy, quiet, seemingly unassuming but had lots of friends and knew how to have fun with them. Being the third among four siblings, he was the power broker and arbiter between me and my elder sister’s constant fights. He knew whom to take sides and when to do it so harmony would settle between us. He was the one my Mom trusted the most and he gave the least headache to my parents while growing up. He was a good boy, a good friend, a good brother and a good son.

Everything went haywire during a routine medical examination when doctors found a grape size lump on his left wrists. After some test, the doctors knew they had to do a biopsy to confirm their suspicions. So they asked permission from my parents to do a biopsy but added that should they find it to be malignant, they would have cut off the left arm just below the elbow to stop the spread of the cancer cells.

I remember how anxious we all were on the day of the operation. When word got around that he was about to be wheeled out of the operating room, we all rushed in to see how he was. We knew that the one sure sign that everything went well was if his left arm was still intact. So there we were, waiting, hoping, praying…

We saw his frail body, in a hospital gown, a blanket draped over him, with dextrose tubes around, barely conscious because of the anesthesia. I remember how the attendees, nurse and orderlies were quietly rolling him in his room, transferring him to his bed, checking the tubes attached to him. The whole family too was silently waiting, afraid to ask, probe or question. But we tried to be brave for him, or so we thought... but as soon as my Mom had the courage to come near him, caress his hair then gently, slowly, remove the blanket, we all saw what we feared the most…. his left arm was cut off.

I remember my father, me, my sister and our youngest, immediately turn our backs at him and cried….and oh, how we cried. But with all the crying I did, the wailing of my sister and the tears of my father, my Mom just stood there facing my brother, with no tears, chin held high, putting up a brave front, caressing him, whispering, showing and reassuring not only my brother but everyone around, that everything will be alright. I was stunned and I realized how brave my Mom was. I was so proud of her.

My brother was discharged from the hospital after a few weeks, and jumped in immediately to the activities he left off as if nothing happened. He went back to school, and continued with his extra curricular activities there. He went swimming, became good at ping-pong and just became more physically active. He was not conscious of his disability, faced the difficulties of having one arm as a challenge and just took everything in stride. He was doing great, he was enjoying life…... but it only lasted for about a year and a half.

Things turned around slowly at first. We started noticing he was getting tired easily, had difficulty breathing and was losing his appetite. Eventually, he went in and out of the hospital again, had chemotherapy but was still deteriorating. The whole family was there rallying for him, supporting him, praying for him. His classmates were there for him too. During one of his long hospital stay, three busloads of his schoolmates came to visit him one time. The hospital authorities were shocked at such a large contingent visiting a patient and refused to let them all in. As a compromise, only 5 students at a time were allowed to visit him in his room, so you could just imagine how long that took. With over a hundred college kids visiting him, it was a rowdy, fun, and tiring day for him. But he loved it….and the whole family loved it.

Less than two years after he was diagnosed with cancer, my brother died at our home where he wanted to. His cancer cells spread on his lungs, his stomach, and just all over his body. He was suffering and was in pain, especially in the last few days of his life, but he was still always cheerful, brave and optimistic. On his funeral, all his friends, classmates, families and loved ones were there not only to grieve but more so to celebrate his life, the way he wanted to be remembered.

So on November 1, his family, some of his friends and former classmates, will troop again to the cemetery to pay their respect to a good boy, a good friend, a good brother and a good son.

I miss you bro…..

SMOKING

I started smoking when I was 14. The first one was in front of a girl I was courting and trying to impress. I was a short and a lanky kid and I wanted to show her I wasn't a kid anymore by doing things only adults do....and what better way to show that than by smoking. We were standing around this dark corner with some other taller, older kids when I was offered a cigarette in front of her by one of the tougher guys. I blindly accepted, lit and inhaled deeply, only to cough it up immediately. I remember getting dizzy instantaneously and nauseous at the same time. Obviously, this brought laughter and lots of cajoling by the other kids, but I nonetheless still made an impression to the girl since she eventually became my first girlfriend....but that's another story. Anyway, I could never understand that time what drove people to smoke, how bad it really tasted, and what pleasure they actually derive from it. But even if my instincts tell me I was getting into something really stupid, from then on, I started smoking regularly.

I was smoking when I was with friends. I smoked while cramming for an exam. Of course I smoked when I was drinking. I smoked when I was in the bathroom. I smoked before I went to sleep. And the best of all times to smoke, after a heavy meal.....and boy, was it better than dessert! I think I may have reached a pack a day, but I guess this was mostly when I was out drinking with friends....and during my younger days, that happened a lot. So on the average, I was probably smoking a half a pack a day, and this was only because I made it a point not to smoke in the morning. So normally, my first puff occurred after my lunch meal only.

By the time I reached my thirty's, I realized I was already smoking half my life....and that really scared me! I knew I had to stop. So I gradually reduced smoking at first, then attempted to quit cold turkey.....but failed after about a year when I reached out for a cigarette during one of my drinking sprees. Tried again by reducing the number of sticks I smoked in a day to 5 sticks, then quit cold turkey.... again. Thankfully, it's been several years now and I haven't had a puff in years.

I know a lot of people would understand the "supposed" hell I went through when I quit.....and would be proud of me for staying smoke free all these years. I wish all those who are thinking of quitting to have the guts to finally push through with it. ....and I wish those who have failed to also have the guts to try again. I won't lecture you guys on the evils of tobacco.......because I am pretty sure you all know. I just pray you get to do it soon. And for those people who don't get it why people just can't quit smoking, I am happy you never got addicted to it and I just hope you understand, support, and help out the love ones you have who are smoking and wants to quit too.....

Blogging

Sometimes I can't help but wonder, what do I get from blogging? What do I want to convey in my writing? In the first place, am I writing so that others may read my thoughts and feelings? Or am I just expressing my views in words through a medium that's new and high tech?

It's so hard to answer all of them, especially since I am just new at blogging. But before all that, how did I get into this world of blogging in the first place?

I believe the first blog I came across was that of Nelz. He was still with his Pinoy lover Ian who also had a blog then. I remember how intrigued I was on their daily lives, their quarrels and even their sex lives, which they did not hesitate the describe in detail. Since then I was hooked! It was like a soap opera in the net....but this time, they were real people and a gay couple at that! It was great reading!

From Nelz's blog, I ventured into Mcvie's "shows". Here he was talking about everything and anything under the sun. His style of writing was great, very entertaining plus, informative for me particularly about his gimmicks and sexcapades. Being a homebody, I was sort of living his life vicariously. So through his writings, I was able to imagine how it felt like going to Bed, and how to handle yourself in F........places I haven't been to.

Then I ended up at Pulsar's blog...an anonymous, faceless guy who also wrote about everyday stuff......from his relationships, to his job, to his workouts, gimmicks, and his friends. He wrote poems and essays. He wrote in cryptic style, and did free writing. He described conversations he had with the different personalities he's created of himself through the years. Great read from who looks like a great guy.....

From thereon, I bumped into several other blogs....from Gibbs to Mandaya, from Corporate Closet to the much missed Wanda Ilusyonada, from Aris to even Danton....different peronalities, different writing styles, different topics......all a great read!

So what got you started in blogging?

Dentist

I was supposed to go to the dentist last week but I have been putting it off. Not because I am afraid of the procedure, in fact, there is just a small chip off my tooth that I wanted to be repaired because it has been scratching the back of my tongue when I talk or eat. Anyway this isn't really about my dental appointment or the dental procedure that needs to be done. This is about death. Yes death! You see, I just found out that my dentist for more than a decade now is dead. Yes dead! The cause of death, well he fell from the stairs of their home. Yes, he fell! He fell from the top rung of the stairs when it gave way because it was termite infested! Yes, termites! It's not really such a great way to die is it? But he's still dead. So, is it such a waste?.....

Well it got me thinking, life really is too short....... so, should I live it day by day like it was the last day of my life?......... I started imagining how life of the people around me would be like when I am gone.... but they would definitely move on!......so I should'nt really think of how they will be if I was a goner, I should be more concerned how they are feeling now that I am still around.......

I believe in my heart that people around me are happy that I am around..... you see, I really am a great guy!

food

I've always had simple taste with food. Hindi ako mahilig sa mga kakiba at exotic na mga pagkain na galing sa ibang bansa.....pero pag nandiyan, di ako takot para tikman ito. Pero very pinoy ang aking taste buds. And I lean towards the saltier types of foods. So ang mga comfort foods ko ay binagoongan at dinuguan, which reminds me so much of home cooking. Yung mga pagkaing ma-gata gustong gusto ko din tulad ng bicol express at laing.

So why am I blogging abour food? Kasi nagugutom na ako! It's 4:30 pm a few hours before my usual dinnertime and I can't help but think about what my dinner would be. Haaaayyyyy....... kaya tumataba eh!

over the weekend....

Over the weekend, we finally got Pumba back......and oh, was it a joy to see her again! She was so excited to see us and to be back to her territory that she kept running around and sniffing up all over the place again. She played around with her old teddy bear and of course played with us.

But the excitement lasted for about 20 minutes only! After she settled down, and after we settled down, she was back to her old ways of just lounging around, sleeping, not a care in the world. Of course, I kept bothering her and disturbing her sleep and wanting to play with her again but she just brushed me off, found a quiet corner and went back to sleep. Well, I shouldn't really complain because she is an old dog already, just like me.......so she needs her rest, and we've noticed that she does not get easily excited anymore. She's became a little jaded with us. Well, I guess, that's the typical menopausal stage of any old creature just like me.... hahahahahaha...........

We hosted a dinner too for a friend who actually invited himself over with two of his exes for dinner. It was a success as always......and fun at the same time. Food was great, presented with a little art, and conversation was great because our friend has always been very articulate and being an film director, knows how to tell stories with pizazz.......

Then we had a typical Sunday dinner with my closest group of friends. Again, food was sinfully excellent. There was kare-kare, then we had crispy ulo ng baboy (the group's favorite!) and pansit canton (another favorite). I brought a mango torte dessert which I purchased in Tiendesitas and was also very very good. Conversations was free flowing and we were talking about anything and everything....which was fun.

So that was the weekend for me........how was your weekend?

entertaining

Eversince we moved into our condominium unit, one of the things I enjoy doing is hosting dinner for friends. I enjoy the idea of preparing the menu, buying the ingredients and the actual cooking. It's tiring, but you get a sense of satisfaction once you present the finished products to your friends and getting the praises you are expecting. Of course, proof of its success is if there are no leftovers after the meal. Mind you, I am not a great cook. I just started really cooking when we moved in, and that was purely by default because we learned that between me and my lover, I am the better cook.

So I've grilled, steamed, fried, chopped, cut, slow cooked and now even baked for friends with tremendous success. Of course there have been disasters, or at least minor mishaps......meaning the food may be too salty, or I've put too much spice on it, or I substituted an ingredient that did not suit well with the finished product. At least I learned from my mistakes and continue to learn and experiment.

Food is only a part of entertaining so I make it a point to spruce the place up the place, prepare the candles to create the perfect lighting mood. I also bring out the wine glasses, chill the wine, and prepare the appetizers. Music is set just right to add to the ambiance.

Of course the final touch would be great, free flowing conversation and laughter with very good friends.......

pumba....

I have a dog.....yes, a real dog! Well technically it's not my dog but my lover's dog. He brought it over one day in our condo unit because it was supposedly sick and had to be taken cared of. At the start, I wasn't too keen on letting the dog stay....what, with all the hassle of cleaning up over its poop plus the smell it brings, added to the mess and the noise. But eventually Pumba (that's her name) won me over, as most dogs will eventually do to its hesitant masters. So now of the perks of going home to a nice condo unit is the cute and fuzzy shitszu dog that welcomes me everytime I open the door. First, she jumps up and down, then smells my pants and shoes. She then goes around in circle while leading me to her spot at the corner. She then gets her cute teddy bear toy, and runs straight to the side of our bed and expects me to put her up there so we could both play with her teddy bear......she biting it and me, taking it away from her. That's the routine. Aside from that, our bonding moment also occurs everytime I take her out to walk and poop outside the condo building.

Recently had an out of town trip to Bohol two weeks ago, so my lover had to bring Pumba to his parent house until we came back. But it's been two weeks now and we haven't had the time to pick her up back.....so I really miss her. I've put up her recent picture as my wallpaper so everytime I open the computer, I miss her more........

Haaaaaayyyyyyy.........

as promised...

Yes, as promised, I will try to update my blog. So here I am in front of the computer typing these first few words, still with no idea on what to write about. I might be trying what they call "free writing" without really knowing what it is. Hehehe......

Anyway, I started going to the gym too, after a period of hiatus. Obviously, with me, the only reason I stopped was because I was lazy. But this week, I seem to have gained my momentum back because I've been to the gym last Tuesday and yesterday, already a big accomplishment for me! I tried doing my old routine but I haven't been lifting the heavy weights just yet. But still, the aches and pains hit me once I get home. Added to that, I tend to eat more during dinner just because I exercised. So I really just end up gaining back what I just lost in the gym a few hours ago. It's a cycle! At least I get to enjoy my dinner without feeling really guilty.

The end result......I am still at 185 lbs.....my weight for the last 5 years or so........and nothing has really changed.......

by the way, I am 5'11 so 185 lbs really isn't that bad......you think so?

eto na naman...

It's been awhile (again?) since I last blogged......almost a year. I've been reading some of the regular blogs I've been following and it got me inspired (again?!) to write here. I know, I know, I should'n t be overwhelmed, feel insecure or indequate at the level of their writings because in the first place, this blog is first of all about me and only for me.....a place to express my thoughts and sentiments and to vent out my moods, joys and heartaches. Whether anybody reads it or not, it MUST NOT matter. So again, I resolve to write at line or two here just to get the ball rolling.......Good luck to me! and good luck to my blog!